The 24 Hour Rule on Gossip
There is nothing more destructive to a church than gossip. It alienates and aligns at the same time, causing division and strife. Some people are drawn to it like bugs to a zapper. They thrive on it. They find it intoxicating. To make matters worse, most church environments encourage it.
“Wait a minute. Did you say most church environments encourage gossip?” Yes, I did. They encourage it by fostering a culture that permits and rewards it.
People want to feel important. They crave attention and recognition. At the same time, we as pastors feel obliged to fix problems. When something is wrong, we rush to fix it. People watch our behavior and learn our patterns. When they see us pouring all our energy into the arena of problem solving, they do their best to join us there. They feel important when they are “in the know,” when they are a part of the “behind the scenes” conversations. They love to be in the room when the door is shut and the discussion is serious. It adds value to their life.
Unknowingly, we create big problems by magnifying smaller ones. When we make a big deal about something, we invite people behind closed doors to talk about it. To us, closed doors are nauseating. The last place we want to be is behind a closed door talking about a problem in the church because we deal with these things far too often; but being behind the closed door is a badge of honor to some folks. It makes them feel important, and they will do anything they can to get there.
Here’s the deal. The average church gossiper learns to do so from watching the church leadership. They don’t know the difference between fixing problems and and gossiping. So, in order to correct this problem, you have to clearly define the difference between problem solving and gossip. Gossip is about identifying a problem – problem solving is about seeking a solution. Gossip is about destruction – problem solving is about construction. Gossip is anonymous – problem solving confrontational. For this reason, you should NEVER let anyone tell you something negative about someone else without requiring them to be a part of the solution. NEVER let someone dispatch you to confront another person while keeping their identity a secret. Going behind a closed door with a church member to take a negative “hand off” and running with it on your own is gossip. NEVER, EVER, take the hand off. Require the person to be involved in the corrective action.
A simple way to turn the environment from gossip to problem solving is called the “24 hour rule.” When a person comes to you about a concern they have with another person, ask them if they have confronted the other person with their feelings. If not, tell them to take their problem to the other person within a 24 hour period. Let them know that you will be following up with both parties to see that the conversation took place, and make sure you follow through with it. Offer assistance and advice in solving the problem, but don’t solve it alone.
You will be surprised at how quickly the 24 hour rule will spread through the congregation, bringing an end to the gossip culture of your church. Getting behind closed doors won’t be as attractive as it once was, and less bugs will want to enter the zapper.
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